


That One Time I Got Turned into an Elite

by DragonTamerOne



Category: Halo (Video Games) & Related Fandoms, The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: And apparently I'm great at falling out of buildings, And the aliens attacked, At least I didn't become Navi, But at least Elites are better than hamsters, Changing bodies requires a learning curve, Gen, I literally dreamt this, My college building lowkey became Hogwarts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:00:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25025800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonTamerOne/pseuds/DragonTamerOne
Summary: I kid you not, this was a dream I had. Yes, some of it is a little exaggerated and some parts of it are filled in for what my dream-brain couldn’t quite produce. But literally, I had this dream. So please enjoy That One Time Brutes Attacked my College and Turned Everyone into Hamsters, and I Got Turned into an Elite, Amongst Other Things.I know it makes no sense. But this was literally a dream. And my dreams are always 100% on crack. Enjoy.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6





	That One Time I Got Turned into an Elite

So, there we were, sitting in chemistry class, listening to our professor, Dr. P, talking about thermodynamics or something. For some reason, class was being held in the evening instead of the morning, when it was usually held. Also, my friends, we’re going to call them R and H, were in class with us as well, even though only my friend, we're going to call him J, and I actually took the course.  
“So the equilibrium constant is equal to the concentrations of products divided by the concentrations of the reactants…” Dr. P was saying. Her phone rang suddenly, stirring the class from its evening stupor.  
“Um, Dr. P,” a guy in the back of the class said, sounding confused. “I just got a text saying the ISB is being evacuated for an explosion threat.”  
He specifically said “explosion threat”. Not “bomb threat” - “explosion threat”. Now, all you gotta know about the ISB is that it is a completely safe building. Wonderful place. I spent most of my college career in that building. But apparently, it or something else was in danger of a catastrophic exothermic calamity.  
“I just got the same text,” Dr. P replied, quite professional and calm. “Quick, get out of here.”  
I grabbed my laptop and stuffed it into my backpack. Explosion threat or not, I wasn’t leaving it behind. I swung my backpack onto my back and followed the crowd through the door. Everybody was doing a pretty good job of not panicking. So J, H, R, and I trotted our ways out the door no problem.  
And were presented with the most confusion conniption ever to strike the ISB! The interior space of the building had become a moving mass of staircases, leading every which way and swinging around like we were in Hogwarts. We were three stories up, and I couldn’t see any clear way down.  
“This way!” my friend R confidently yelled, so I chose to follow her. She ran up a set of stairs and around a corner. I ran after her, only to find her standing at the top of the stairs, looking up two more flights that split off. That was funny; the ISB only had four stories. Now, all of a sudden, it had five.  
“There’s no way down!” R said, panicked. Behind us, the staircase we’d come up was moving, cutting off our ability to backtrack. Of course, this is what we got for trusting the anthropology major to navigate us out of a chemistry building.  
“Just go,” I said, and pushed past her. There had to be a way out, somewhere. But, unfortunately, my choice carried me onto a staircase that immediately started moving, leaving my friends behind.  
It was at that moment I realized I’d been split up from J, R, and H. However, I had no time to stop and contemplate; the ISB could go up in flames at any moment! They would have to take care of themselves.  
The stair I’d chosen led to another stair going up, which I followed. I’d reached the top of the building, five flights up. The ISB did not have five stories. The ISB did not have five stories. What was going on?  
I was certainly in a pickle. I could go back down, but the staircases had all moved again. I would get lost in pseudo-chemistry-Hogwarts if I went back downstairs.  
There was a large window in front of me, facing the street the ISB was on. So, as the kids say, yolo.  
I took my backpack off and threw it through the window, smashing the glass and probably also my laptop. I ran through the open space and plummeted the fifty or so feet to the ground. Upon landing, I rolled and regained my feet, dusting myself off casually, like jumping out of tall buildings was a pastime of mine. I walked over to the huddle of people outside and pushed through, trying to find my friends. Nobody commented on the fact that I had just fallen from the top of the ISB without injury. Maybe I really did jump out of tall buildings in my pastime.  
My friends were off to the side of the walkway, on the springtime grass. I waved to them, walking over.  
“We should move farther away, in case the ISB does blow up,” H suggested nervously.  
“Hey, look at that airplane,” J said, pointing at the sky.  
I looked up. There was a full-on Boeing 747 falling nose-first out of the sky, coming directly at us. J’s voice had been very casual. Either he was terrified or he didn’t care that there was a plane about to land on us. Knowing him, probably some form of the latter.  
“It’s gonna hit us!” I yelled. “Run!!”  
We, along with the rest of the crowd, fled from the crash site, just in time to avoid the massive impact of the jetliner as it hit the ground. Dirt, grass, and metal flew everywhere, accompanied by a terrible thunder of noise.  
We were all thrown to the ground as the earth shook from the crash. I landed on my forearms (thanks, karate), jarred but unhurt. A ridgeline of dirt had formed around the crash site as the plane had skidded across the ground. Somehow, it hadn’t hit the ISB. And nothing had blown up, yet.  
J started to get up. “Get down!” I hissed. “There could be people on that plane!”  
I had one thought in my mind: The plane had crashed here on purpose. Not only had I been blessed with the ability to catapult myself out of buildings, but I also had the grand powers of foresight.  
And, true to my prediction, an exterior door of the plane was pushed open by a gloved hand. A man in grey, wearing a headband made out of a torn piece of cloth and toting what looked like an AR15 rifle, emerged from the wreckage, swearing. Somehow, he looked unhurt. Wait, that was some guy from Smash Bros, wasn’t it?  
There was a pop, and suddenly the man turned into a hamster with its own little headband.  
A hamster? What??? But once again, I had little time to think because another jet plane had just crashed into the campus pond, blasting the icky and goose-poop-laden water a hundred feet into the sky, in a glorious plume of weird greenish color.  
And then, the swarm of smooth-hulled, purplish spaceships came zooming down from the sky, swarming down to the earth and landing all around us. They hovered on glowing, blue jets, humming with mysterious and futuristic energy.  
“Phantoms!” J exclaimed. He was the Halo expert. He knew what he was talking about.  
Bays on the flanks of the ships opened, and large, hairy creatures appeared from within, armed with mysterious phaser-like weapons. They growled in some unknown language, pointing at the crowd in front of the ISB. Brutes from Halo had invaded campus!  
“Run,” I said for like the fifteenth time.  
We fled, but the Phantoms were landing everywhere, and the Brutes were much bigger than us. One step equated to about ten of ours.  
One hairy beast landing in front of us, screeching. Its teeth were very yellow and jagged and icky, like it hadn’t been to a dentist in years. It pointed its gun at us - whatever it was wielding, it wasn’t a Halo gun I recognized. It looked almost like a cartoon alien gun, with yellow rings around the barrel and a round ball on the end of the muzzle. No openings for bullets or plasma, but I still didn’t want to find out what the thing shot.  
“Nope nope nope nope!” I turned right around and ran the other way.  
All around us, the Brutes were herding the people all over campus into groups. People were screaming, crying, running. I saw a whole group of them turn into hamsters, and realized what the guns shot. They shot magic hamster-izing beams! The entire college population was being turned into hamsters!  
Why hamsters? I mean, I knew Brutes hated humans. But why were they turning us into hamsters?  
Try as we might, we were slowly corralled into a group by the big, hairy aliens. They raised their hamster-phasers and fired at us poor, helpless folk. We were enveloped in squeaky, yellowish light!  
I was not looking forward to becoming a hamster. Small, bottom of the food chain, a tiny brain...not to mention, no thumbs. How was I going to take my chemistry exam with no thumbs?  
But, instead of shrinking down and becoming a small, furry rodent, I began to grow taller.  
Well, that was weird. Maybe I was turning into a mega-hamster? Was this about to become a boss fight?  
There was a loud trumpeting noise next to me. I looked up; J had been turned into an African elephant, except this elephant had praying mantis arms for tusks and a set of gossamer mantis wings sticking out of his back.  
Um, what? That wasn’t how elephants worked.  
And what was I? I looked down at my hands. I was missing fingers. Two on each hand, to be exact, but now I had an extra thumb. And my skin was leathery and grey. And I had ripped out of all my clothes. Damnit, I had liked that shirt!  
I had two thumbs, two fingers...I’d seen hands like these somewhere before, but where?  
I put my hands to my face and felt mandibles.  
The logical reaction was to, of course, turn to the Halo expert and start screaming at him. Except, the Halo expert had turned into a mantis-elephant and me no speaky da English with mandibles. Well, maybe I could, but I had no idea how to.  
“JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ” came out as just a guttural amalgamation of noise. I wasn’t about to be deterred, so I punched J-elephant’s leg. He flinched and trumpeted in protest, looking at me. He saw me and stared incredulously. Looked like he couldn’t speak English either.  
“What the hell, J?” I said. More random noise came out of my goddamn useless mandible mouth. Somehow, my brain was blaming this on him.  
The Brutes were looking at us in confusion, growling to each other. They didn’t seem to know what to do. One of them looked at his hamsterizing gun and sneered at its shoddy craftsmanship.  
“J!” I yelled. “I don’t want to join the Covenant, J!”  
Something squeaked near my foot, distracting me from my current panic. I looked down; there was a fluffy rabbit standing next to me, front paws on one of my two, large toes. Its fur was the same reddish color, more or less, as H’s hair.  
“H?” I asked. The rabbit stared at me blankly.  
Right. Me no speak English. Me speak Elite noises.  
“Hey, what’s going on?” R’s disembodied voice sounded from the air, making us all look up. “Where’s my body? And why do I have the urge to yell everything I say?”  
J trumpeted unhappily.  
“I’m aware,” R replied crossly. “I mean, what are we going to do about it? I don’t have arms!”  
“You can understand us?” I asked.  
“I can,” R replied. “H is the rabbit, like you asked.”  
I nodded and knelt down to pick up the rabbit. I forgot I now had digitigrade legs and fell on my face. I swear the J-elephant (Jelephant?) laughed at me.  
Disgruntled, I picked myself up off the ground. Bunny H stood on her hind legs and looked at me expectantly.  
I looked at my strange hands. They seemed to work like normal hands, despite the fact they had two thumbs. Carefully, I reached down and scooped the rabbit into my arms. She was very fluffy, and I was very scared, so I clung to her much like she was a stuffed animal.  
“J, you should probably bull through these guys,” R was saying. “You’re an elephant, for crying out loud. N, J says you hit a lot harder now, and his leg hurts. He also says you should be able to keep up with him if he runs for it. Just don’t drop H.”  
I nodded, adjusting my grip on the rabbit.  
Without warning, the Jelephant charged, busting past two of the Brutes. They were scattered like bowling pins, howling. Brutes are big and scary. But the Jelephant weighs six tons and has sharp praying mantis arms for tusks.  
“Yeah, maybe I can keep up with you, but that doesn’t mean I know how to run with these legs…” Nobody was listening to me. I took a deep breath anyways and took off after J.  
I was right; I didn’t know how to run. But somehow, I didn’t trip, though I did plenty of stumbling along, H-bunny squeaking fearfully in my arms. I finally got my legs under me, and ran after the fleeing Jelephant. A buck-ass nude Elite with a fluffy rabbit running across the campus green, chasing an elephant with mantis wings. Hilarious. At least my existence now canonically confirmed that female Elites looked exactly like male Elites, just a tad smaller. They don’t have boobs. Please stop drawing them with boobs.  
And what was R? I had heard her talking, but I hadn’t seen her.  
The Brutes were bellowing, wheeling around, but as soon as they took their attention off the hamsters, they started to run everywhere, squealing loudly. Immediately, the scene devolved into utter rodent chaos. It provided a good enough distraction for us, and we were up and away.  
I turned out, I didn’t even need to run to keep up with J. It was more like a casual jog, while the Jelephant was going full-tilt. I had to concentrate a lot on not stumbling, but otherwise, my physical abilities had multiplied tenfold.  
“Where are we going?” I asked.  
“Listen! We must meet a man who lives in a cabin up Ohill,” R replied from somewhere in the air. “He will know what’s going on and how to fix it.”  
Now, Ohill can break students. There are a bunch of dorms up the hill, a steep, arduous climb from the main campus. It is where legends are made and those with weak calves fail. It is where bikers and skateboarders break the sound barrier on their way to morning classes. Those who live on Ohill emerge at the end of the year with calves of steel and fantastic cardiac endurance. And I was able to jog up that hill like it was nothing. I guess that was the benefit of turning into an alien used to a planet with much higher gravity than Earth. And having two hearts.  
When R had said cabin up Ohill, I had expected to leave campus. But no, there was a cabin right smack in the middle of the Ohill Bowl, the circular green in the center of the dorm complex. It was a small, kind of shabby cabin, with smoke rising lazily from the chimney. Wait a moment, that was the Old Man’s cabin from Breath of the Wild, wasn’t it?  
We approached the building cautiously. I knocked on the door and stepped back. This time, I actually did fall over, tripping on my two-toed feet.  
So, the Old Man opened his door to see a mantis-elephant standing over a fallen Sangheili holding a rabbit.  
“What in tarnation?” he asked, rubbing his eyes. “You’re not who I expected.” Yeah, he had probably expected Link, not...whatever we were.  
“Listen! We’re being attacked by aliens,” R said urgently. “They turned everyone else into hamsters, but whatever they did kinda backfired on us.”  
The Old Man squinted at the air, where R’s voice had come from. “Where are you? Oh, there you are. Would you mind becoming a little brighter so we can see you?”  
A spot of bluish light began to glimmer in the air, and R became visible, a small sphere of light flying on four gossamer wings.  
J trumpeted disbelievingly.  
“Oh, so that explains why I have the strange urge to constantly give unwanted advice,” R muttered, gossamer wings fluttering.  
“Please, come in,” the Old Man invited us into his home. “I’ll open a window for the...elephant.”  
R-Navi followed him through the doorway. I attempted to, and then realized I was too tall. Most disgruntled, I ducked and shuffled through the doorway.  
“I haven’t seen aliens around these parts for years,” the Old Man was saying. “I think I recognize these bastards, though. They were here once before, during the Blaze of ‘04.”  
Blaze of ‘04? Who’s canon was that from? Or was this just completely made-up?  
J suddenly trumpeted from outside, R yelling almost in tandem, “PLANE!!!”  
I turned around and ran right back outside, forgetting to duck and slamming my forehead into the top of the doorway. I fell flat on my back, seeing stars. I heard J huff exasperatedly. He wrapped his trunk around one of my ankles and pulled me through the doorway like I was a sad sack of potatoes.  
I was still being dragged across the grass by J when the plane, thankfully only a small bushplane, hit the Old Man’s cabin and sent it up in flames.  
“Well, that didn’t work the way I wanted it to,” R said, disgruntled.  
“No shit,” I muttered. I kicked at J. “Will you let me go already?”  
The Jelephant trumpeted in annoyance and released me. I got back up, grumbling. H-bunny was looking very displeased with the situation.  
“N, J is also saying that just because you got turned into a Sangheili doesn’t mean you’re going to join the Covenant, and you really need to calm down,” R advised unwantedly.  
At that moment, a Spirit dropship appeared overhead.  
I emitted actual wordless noise and punched J’s elephant leg again.  
And then woke up.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Author's Note:**

> If you're a dream guru and can tell me what the hell this dream means, please do. I'm just as confused as you are. But it makes for a good story.


End file.
